Restart (if i may take your heart among these tears)
by Emkatw1luv
Summary: First love is always memorable. And Kise will always remember, even when he wishes he'll forget. Aokise.
_Restart_

 _(if i may take your heart among these tears)_

* * *

Kise always looked up to him.

This one person that he could never beat.

And his heart always shatters.

* * *

Come up to meet you tell you I'm sorry

Don't know how lovely you are.

* * *

He was always so damn cool. And Kise couldn't look at him without wondering how the hell he could play like that. So effortlessly. So gracefully. A style that he could never copy. A style that was exclusively Aomine's.

Oh, how he wished he could play basketball like that. He wished he could be like that, act like that.

Perhaps that's what got him to fall so hard for this cocky, blue haired boy. Perhaps he was doomed from the start. He was chasing after a dream, after all.

Aomine was perfect. He was everything Kise wanted and more. He was, after all, the one and only that Kise loved. The one and only Kise looked up to.

(He was only ever the one and only.)

* * *

I had to find you

Tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

* * *

It happened so quickly Kise couldn't even tell. And it was over before Kise could even think about what happened.

Suddenly, it was break. And when he came back, it was High School. And for some reason, even though they had promised, they had all promised-Kise couldn't imagine himself going to a different school than Aomine. And truthfully, he didn't want to. Because all their memories and all their experiences, he'd shared them together. With Aomine. He couldn't imagine them separating ways, seeing each other on opposite sides of the court, and not playing together. Playing One-on-One as teammates would feel so different than playing One-on-One as rivals.

(Why did this have to happen? Why did everything have to be this way?)

He wanted this, this rivalry, and yet, he didn't. He wanted the feel of Aomine's arm around him whenever they won. He wanted the smile Aomine would give him, and the rush of happiness Kise felt that came along with it. He yearned for it. So when the next match was Kaijo versus Touou, Kise couldn't help but feel sad.

And at night, held the phone so close to him, wondering if he could just call.

(Just explain everything and maybe-

Maybe-)

Who was he kidding. He can't stop this confrontation. And truth be told, he didn't really want to, either. A match that wasn't just a One-on-One, but a real match-with Aomine using his perfect moves against him instead of with. A match where Kise could prove himself to Aomine. Where he could stop the smirks he got whenever he lost. And he could be with him. As equals.

(And maybe, maybe Aomine would acknowledge him for real this time, and maybe-

Maybe-

They could start ag-)

No. He can't let his imagination run wild. Besides, he has a match in a few days. He needs to sleep. But his mind betrayed him, running with pictures of him, of Aomine, of his perfect, perfect style.

A beautiful style.

* * *

Tell me your secrets

And ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

* * *

The day before the match, Kise couldn't sleep. He suffered from restless nights, but never before a match. Never because he was nervous. But why? Why did he feel so sick to his stomach and couldn't breathe?

Why did he feel so scared? Why did he feel so...excited?

Oh someone help. His heart beat too fast, his excitement too distracting. He needed to find Aomine. He needed to.

(He needed to tell him that he-)

(He just got to say the words-)

Goddamn it, he's getting delusional. As if Aomine could do anything. He's always been chasing after those boobs, he'd never even considered Kise. Besides, right now Aomine's probably thinking on how to defeat him tomorrow. Which is what Kise should be thinking about. Not about how much he yearned for Aomine right now. Not about how just thinking about Aomine made his heart skip a beat and his breath short and how much a single second of contact could melt him.

He has to be strong tomorrow, because tomorrow, he'll be facing the person he admired the most. Tomorrow, he'll need to face him. To face Aomine.

Dammit. Goddammit. Why was he feeling so excited? And why, in the deepest darkest part of him, does he think-that he won't win? He's Kise, master of copying, the ace of Kaijo, a member of the Generation of Miracles, and yet-

(And yet-)

Why did he have to feel this way?

Why did he have to...fall in love?

Goddammit. Tomorrow would be so annoying. But he'll have to deal. He'll have to keep going.

And face his first love.

(And hopefully and maybe-

And maybe all the pain he feels-

And all their memories-

And them togeth-)

Kise chuckled. He just loved torturing himself, huh?

* * *

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

Nobody said it would be this hard

* * *

He couldn't get it. He just needed to go faster, go faster, go faster, move those legs of his even if it breaks him. He needs to catch up, to copy. That's what his skill is right?

So why the hell can't he get it?

Biting his lips hard, he forced himself to run. His legs screamed at him to stop, but he didn't care. He'll bear the pain.

(After all, he's been bearing pain for a while now.)

This added one isn't going to be much different. He just needs to keep going, like always. Keep that smile plastered on his face, keep his head focused on the game.

So despite all the pain he's feeling in his legs and his heart, he knows he'll be able to get through it. He has been holding back for a while now, and he still can go on. He still has too.

So even with the wild thumping of his heart whenever he gets close to Aomine, the endless reminder of his perfection, that endless pounding in his head, he pushed on. Despite that endless drawl inside his head telling him to scream, to just scream at Aomine and yell out, "I love you Aominechhi!" Like he's done in his head a million times. Like how he's rehearsed it, thought of it, done it-perhaps this time, this time things will re-

But they can't. And they won't ever. His lips refused to move, even with the roar of his head telling him to just do it, to just yell it-was it ever that hard before?

But things are different and Kise knew that. That Aomine's eyes right now weren't of a love and friendship anymore, they were the eyes of a rival. And as much Kise hated those eyes, he yearned for them. He thirsted after them. And he felt so sick of himself for that because after all, didn't he tell Aomine all those times how much he lo-

But those times were over. And he'll have to endure. Endure and move on. With all the pain in his heart that's somehow stronger than the one in his legs, he'll have to endure. And he'll have to accept.

(Aomine doesn't lo-)

But he can't. But he can't. But he can't.

* * *

Tell me you love me

Come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

* * *

Halfway through the game, he realized.

Love. Love was what was holding him back. Love for Aomine. Love for the admiration he felt for him. Love for the style, that perfect, perfect style. Love.

(So funny, the thing that held them togeth-)

No. No. No.

Because something like that was never meant to be anyway, something as stupid, foolish, on the whim that Kise can't even comprehend, because goddammit, they were in middle school!-something that was so stupid both of them chose to-

No. Because only Aomine chose to forget.

And Kise stupidly still chose to remember.

Love.

Their love. Their quick, desperate kisses, and how awkward they were because both of them were inexperienced,

their clinging to each other and Kise hoping Aomine would never let go,

their late night talks whispering secrets back and forth,

their first hug and how Aomine tripped on his own feet when he tried to lift Kise up into the air,

their smiles at each other whenever they won a game,

their quick glances at each other in the halls,

them sneaking off at practice for Maji Burger and fearing Akashi's wrath-

All of that. All of it. Thrown away. He needs to throw it away. Throw his love away. Throw their love away. Aomine could do it, so why couldn't he-

(Goddammit.)

He realized too late. The final buzz signalling the end of the game came too soon. Kise didn't know what to do. Aomine had been surprised at his skill, but he had let Aomine down. He didn't make it. He, even though was a copy, couldn't do it in the end. Even though he knew Aomine more than the rest of the Miracles ever did, he couldn't do it. And all those times he's thought he's been with Aomine the most, knew him the best-

All those times, a testimony to their love. Something so quick and fleeting Kise couldn't even remember if it had been real, or if it was just a haunting dream he's built for himself. Because Aomine would never say anything relating to his love to anything. Especally not to Kise.

* * *

Their love story was a little bit of an exciting first love, a little bit of desperation, a little bit of wishful thinking, and a whole lot of heartbreak. And Kise always knew. That his love to Aomine, his undying, goddamned love, would always be one-sided.

And that was the cruel reality of things. And he just needed to realize it. So all the times he's cried at night, with the cell phone in hand ready to call, to ask, "Hey, Aominecchi, do you still love me?" Even though it took him months to realize that Aomine had never really said that he loved him back,

So all the times he just wanted to go to Touou and perhaps build the relationship again,

So all the pain in his chest whenever he remember those days,

So all of the tears he's shed, cries he's yelled, fists he's slammed-

Would be rendered useless.

Because first love was so goddamned annoying. But it was so unforgettably amazing. And although Kise knew this was going to be one of many relationships, he wasn't mature enough to let it go, to move on.

Yet Aomine could. And Kise, drunk with his love and heartbreak, could only see perfection in that refusal, in that point-blank, cold rejection. How perfect of Aomine. How he could be so strong while Kise couldn't. How amazing. How perfect.

* * *

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

* * *

Kise had been Aomine's experiment. To test if he actually loved a flat chest versus a full one. Because if he was to fall for a guy, he'll probably fall for the pretty ones. And from the first day, while Kise was absolutely glowing with happiness, Aomine couldn't find it in himself to say that he loved Kise.

It wasn't that he hated Kise, but boobs were so much better. Kise had a pretty face, a cute one if he squinted, but nevertheless, he wasn't in love. And the exciting adventures of a first love for one came to a close after a week. Aomine didn't know if he wanted to bite his words after seeing Kise cry, but he couldn't. And he wouldn't.

And he knew he was being cruel. He knew that he shouldn't have accepted, and yet he did. And here he is now, after their game, standing before a Kise whose eyes no longer sparkled. Standing before a breaking man that he had used and thrown away, yet he couldn't find it in himself to say sorry. That his cruelty had somehow had meaning even when he knew it didn't.

Aomine knew he was an idiot.

And Kise, at the point when his legs would no longer sustain him after their match, Aomine wanted to help. But he couldn't. For their love story was something that shouldn't have been.

And he had to end it.

It was never meant to be a fairy tale.

Aomine Daiki doesn't live fairy tales for others.

He lives for himself.

* * *

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

* * *

Perhaps Kise knew what happened at the point when his legs gave out. Perhaps he understood Aomine's reluctance to help him if he really tries. Perhaps he could ever figure out why, just why, he fell in love. And why it hurt so much. And why did it have to be _him_. And why did life seemed to refuse him so much. But he couldn't. And he wouldn't.

(But he did accept it.)

And their love story, as tragic, beautiful, enticing, and imperfect it was, came to a close.

* * *

Oh take me back to the start

* * *

 **I've been sinking deeper and deeper into Aokise hell. Oh no.**

 **This is my first Aokise fic, so please be gentle! I wanted to convey the feelings that Kise had as well as his complexity as a character. He's so interesting I just couldn't help writing this. Thank you for reading!**

 **Notes:**

 **-Song is "The Scientist" by Coldplay**

 **-This was around the last episodes of the first season**

 **-Really, it wasn't supposed to be this angsty**

 **-This first fic of Aokise will probably lead to oh so many more. I'm in too deep.**


End file.
